Wednesday, April 25, 2012

It ain't easy...

I don't know but this age/year has hit me hard, I feel like I'm aging at light year speed and there's so many things I wanted to try and do and I feel like if I don't do them now (while I'm still somewhat young-ish), then I never will... ohmygodmylifeisslippingawaysofast

Thankfully this is where all those new online coupon sites come in (just in the nick of time).  I get them every day in my inbox and I think, what? why am I sitting here folding laundry when I could be parasailing/snorkeling/painting/insert-exotic-activity-of-choice?  Yes, those coupons make you feel like you have no life, but they also make you feel like you too can have a life and you too can totally do what's depicted in their snazzy pictures and all you have to do is click that little purchase button on the right.  What can I say? I'm a sucker for snazzy pictures.

Because of this, I guess I've been pretty absent from my blog, I've kind of been out know, doing stuff.  Unfortunately I just forget to document it.  This time though, I will not, because this one folks is a doozy.

I signed up for Pole dancing class a couple of weeks ago....go ahead, I'll wait while you laugh a little.  Done?  Good OK moving on.  At first I was skeptical because I thought hmm, what kind of people take those classes anyway?  Is it people that are looking for on the job placement afterwards?  Ah what the heck, let's be adventurous and find out (why? cause I'm the best wife EVER!).

Anyway, yes, the Groupon lured me in with it's snazzy pictures of attractive women on poles feeling all so sexy and confident.  I figured, I could use some of that, OK where do I sign up?

I dove in and clicked the purchase button and then I showed up for my first class.  I walked in to this dark little studio (mood lighting...great for helping feel like you're in a dark sleazy club...also good for hiding cellulite).  There were a couple of static poles and one spinning one (wheeeeee!).  I looked around to see how many other 30 something moms had been lured in by the LivingSocial,...let's see her?, no she's in her 20' her?, she doesn't look like she has, just me.  Fab. 

We started off with some stretching.  Our teacher (who was a 6ft tall french the way) was somewhat of a contortionist and she could stretch in ways I thought were impossible.  Her legs were open in a split and her chest was on the floor.  My legs were open in a V and my back was hunched over, nowhere near the floor.  My elbows were on the floor though...that's a start?...right?  First note to on flexibility.

After stretching we stood up and the other girls in the class (there were 3 students total) put on their snazzy stiletto platform glow-in-the-dark stripper shoes. 

Oh darn, I forgot mine. 

Um, I'm still wearing heels with training wheels, how the heck am I going to stand up... much less dance in shoes like that?  Oh lord what have I gotten myself into?  Second note to self...learn to walk in heels.  Third  note to self...get stripper shoes.

So we start off walking around the pole.  Our teacher looks so sensual and graceful.  She's wearing hardly anything at all.  Hmmm....It looks like my Spanx aren't going to cut it in this class.  Thankfully, like I said, the lighting isn't very good in here.  Fourth note to self...wear sexier clothes.    I walk around the pole imitating the moves that she is teaching us.  Wow, this isn't so bad, I can do this.  I gain more and more confidence as I strut around the pole throwing my head back, swinging my hair around, thrusting my pelvis.  Unfortunately I made the mistake of taking a glance at the mirror during my sexiness overload and was given a rude awakening.  Although I felt like a 6 foot tall french ballerina...I actually looked like the travelocity gnome.  Ah the perils of being 36 years old, 5'4", short and husky.

With my ego in check, the class continued and she showed us several spins.  At first I was kind of scared of falling, but after a while, I kind of got the hang of it.  So much so that the teacher kept remarking about whether this was really my first class. Yes, yes, what can I say, I've got talents.  We practiced spinning this way and that way, clockwise, counterclockwise, looking good, looking sexy, looking clumsy, looking gnome-ish.  Before I knew it, the hour was up and the class was over.  I felt so proud of myself for actually getting out there and doing something that seemed so intimidating before.  I impressed myself and the teacher by being able to do one of the hardest spins that she taught that day (the chair) and it gave me the confidence to go back the following week (even though it left me wishing I could win the lottery and get some lipo done before the next class).

I've got to hand it to folks that do that all the time (you know who I mean, wink wink).  Three days later I was still feeling the pain, I had pole burns on my wrists, bruises all up and down my shins, bruises on my knees, my arms and shoulders were hurting and even my fingers hurt (see R? you're not the only one with battle scars now).  I've gone to two classes already (each time, the teacher comments on how she can't believe it's only my 1st/2nd class...ha ha!  who knew?) and I really look forward to going back each week and learning new things.  I really recommend the class to anyone that wants to have fun and try something new.  Warning, the girls in my class were uber skinny, so it really puts your self-esteem to the test.  Fortunately, I'm not there for a career change, so I really couldn't care less.  As long as I feel like a million bucks while I'm doing it...who cares if I look like this:

Now, if only I could find some snazzy shoes...

Perhaps some with hamsters in the heels...

although I think these spider ones are more my style...

It ain't easy being sleazy.

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