Thursday, January 25, 2007

Toilet Time

For those of you with a burning desire (if you have other burning sensations, please see your physician) to know what it's like to go to the bathroom with a 15 month old, let me enlighten you. Please note the following series of events:

Enter bathroom with child in stroller.

Wait for the handicap bathroom to be available so you can go inside with child and stroller.

Elbow other women waiting for the bathroom to get to the handicap stall first (hey bitch, you can use ANY stall, I can only use THAT one).

Go inside stall, close door behind you and make sure latch is securely locked.

Wipe off toilet with paper and put seat liner on; if no seat liner is available, line seat with extra toilet paper being careful not to touch the yucky seat or to let the paper fall in the toilet once you've placed it on the seat.

Sit on the toilet seat and begin...

Try and make clown faces to entertain toddler in stroller that doesn't want to be there anymore.

Pull toddler out of stroller (before he chews through the straps and falls out of stroller) and let him walk around the roomy stall while you finish up because he is starting to scream loudly.

Realize that you're going to take a little longer on the potty than you originally anticipated.

Distract toddler so that he doesn't open the door and show everyone outside what you look like sitting on the throne red faced.

Thank The Lord that the toddler can't reach the lock yet, so you get to avoid the previous scenario.

Pull toddler up from the floor because he has started to squat down, wanting to know who the lady in the stall next to you is, why her pants are on the floor and what she is doing.

Try to pull toddler away from toilet flush handle that he has recently discovered (because it's yucky).

Give up trying because you're going to wash his hands when you're done anyway and at least he's entertained.

Wish that he hadn't discovered the handle when he realizes that he can pull the handle and the toilet makes a funny noise.

Enjoy the bidet sensation of having water splashing on your bare ass....repeatedly.

Complete your duty (ha ha get it?) and try to wipe and flush quickly before toddler decides to stick his hand in the cool new whirlpool he's discovered.

Pull pants up and wash your hands.

Wash toddler's hands and quickly rinse soap off before he decides to taste it.

Put child back in stroller and exit the bathroom.

Ignore the glares from other women for having been in there for 30 minutes.

Sounds like fun eh? Yeah. I thought so too. And this is only one child. I don't know how people with two (or more) do it. I guess they never go out alone.


Blogger AmandaDufau said... didn't go out alone.

7:25 PM  
Anonymous elizasmom said...

I feel your pain. People in the bathroom with me are frequently treated to panicked shouts of "No Sweetie, don't touch that button!" as she heads for the door. And, yeah, touching dirty things? Heck, if she's isn't screaming, I could care less...

9:16 PM  

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